2,000 Greater & Lesser Mysteries

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[Print out and pass this file to every married person you know! It has changed my marriage, and I hope it helps other people as much as it helped me. -Servant] ____________________________________________________________ Cultivating Affection in Your Marriage a textfile from a booklet by Willard F. Harley Jr., Ph. D. (c)1987 Focus on the Family Typed by Servant ____________________________________________________________ When Jane fell in love with Richard, she knew she had found her prince. At six feet three inches, Richard's 195 pounds were as lean and muscular at age 23 as they had been when Jane admired him on the basketball court in high school. Ruggedly handsome, Richard was the strong, silent type, which only made him more intriguing to Jane. Dates with Richard felt exciting, and when he held her in his arms the passion level went right off the scale. "We've got the right chemistry," Jane assured herself. However, after just a few months of marriage, the passion began to pall. Jane started noticing something a bit odd: Whenever she cuddled up for a hug or a little kiss, Richard became sexually aroused almost immediately. Almost without exception, physical contact led straight to the bedroom. Jane also learned that Richard's "strong, silent" courting style had covered his tendencies for extreme moodiness and keeping almost everything to himself. Before they married, Richard had told Jane that his mother had died when he was just 10, and his father and two older brothers raised him. She hadn't thought too much of it. "That's probably why he's so rugged and manly," she told herself. Jane didn't realize that Richard had grown up in a home where displays of affection were not frequent before his mother died, and afterward they became almost nonexistent. He literally didn't know how to give affection, because he had received so little himself. For Richard, AFFECTION in marriage was synonymous with SEX, something that left Jane feeling disillusioned and used. As their marriage approached its first anniversary, Richard's account in Jane's "Love Bank" barely held its own. (before the story continues, let's define the term "Love Bank." To help my clients understand how powerful and all-consuming a person's needs can become, I have invented a rather artificial little device that I call the Love Bank. Figuratively speaking, I believe each of us has a Love Bank. It contains many different accounts, one for each person we know. People make their deposits or withdrawals whenever we interact with them. Pleasurable interactions cause deposits, and painful interactions cause withdrawals. As life goes on, the accounts in our Love Banks fluctuate. Some of our acquaintances build sizable deposits. Others remain in the black, but have small balances. Still others go into the red. In short, their accounts in our Love Banks are overdrawn. Now lets get back to our story.) At work, Jane was transferred to a new department, and there she met Bob, a warm and affable fellow who loved everyone. Bob had the habit of draping his arm over the shoulder of whomever he walked with--male and female alike. No one took offense. He was just a friendly man who liked everybody. Jane noticed that she started to look forward to Bob's occasional hugs. They always made her feel good -- warm and comfortable and cared for. One day they met in the hall. "Hi, Jane, how ya doin'?" Bob greeted her as he gave her a little hug. "You know, Bob," she said. "I've meant to tell you for a long time how much I appreciate your hugs. It's nice to meet a man who likes to do that." "Well, then, come here!" he laughed and gave her another hug and a little kiss on the cheek. Jane tried to act calm, but that little peck started her heart pounding. It continued pounding in the following weeks as she started receiving little notes from Bob. They were always tasteful and sweet. One said, "Good morning! Hope your day is full of blessings. You're a fine person and you deserve the best. Your friend, Bob." Jane began to reciprocate with notes of her own. Before long she began to look forward to the arrival of Bob's latest note as the high point of her day. Sometimes he would bring her a little bouquet of flowers. That made her feel like a true princess. They lunched together several times, and Bob's account in Jane's Love Bank climbed steadily. Jane found herself craving every expression of the gentle affection she received from Bob -- the hugs, the smiles, the notes. Finally, she wrote a note to him: "I can't help it. I think I'm falling in love with you." Bob didn't respond in kind, but he continued to show Jane kindness and affection. The weeks went by, and one day they found themselves alone together in a secluded spot they had chosen for a hurried lunch-hour picnic. As they packed up to leave, Jane's hand touched Bob's, and she gave it a squeeze. Bob responded with an especially affectionate hug, and what followed came so naturally Jane couldn't believe it. Making love with Bob was the most exciting experience of her life because she knew he cared so much for her. In the following weeks, they slipped off together as often as possible for passionate lovemaking. Jane believed that having sex with Bob was wonderful, because she could release all her emotions and become thoroughly involved. Bob's genuine affection made her feel loved and cared for as a person. What had happened? Did Jane's wedding vows mean nothing to her? Was she just waiting for her chance to two-time her husband? Hardly. Jane simply felt so starved for affection that she was willing to have an affair! Of course, this does not justify the sin she and Bob committed. AFFECTION IS THE CEMENT OF A RELATIONSHIP To most women, affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval, vitally important commodities in their eyes. When a husband shows his wife affection, he sends the following messages: 1. I'll take care of you and protect you. You are important to me, and I don't want anything to happen to you. 2. I'm concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you. 3. I think you've done a good job, and I'm so proud of you. A hug can say any and all of the above. Men need to understand how strongly women desire these affirmations. FOR THE TYPICAL WIFE, THERE CAN HARDLY BE ENOUGH OF THEM. I believe hugging is a skill most men need to develop to show their wives affection. It is also a simple but effective way to build their accounts in a wife's Love Bank. Most women love to hug. They hug each other, they hug children, animals, relatives -- even stuffed animals. I'm not saying they will throw themselves into the arms of just anyone: They can get quite inhibited about hugging if they think it could be misinterpreted in a sexual way. But the rest of the time, across most countries and cultures, women hug and like to be hugged. Obviously, a man can display affection in other ways that can be equally important to a woman. A greeting card or a note expressing love and care can simply but effectively communicate the same emotions. Don't forget that all-time favorite -- a bouquet of flowers. Women, almost universally, love to receive flowers. Occasionally, I meet a man who likes to receive them, but most do not. For a majority of women, however, flowers send a powerful message of love and concern. An invitation to dinner also signals affection. It is a way of saying to one's wife, "You don't need to do what you ordinarily do for me. I'll treat you instead. You are special to me, and I want to show you how much I love and care for you." Jokes abound on how, almost immediately after the wedding, a wife has to find her own way in and out of cars, houses, restaurants, and so on. But a smart husband will open the door for her at every opportunity -- another way to tell her, "I love you and care about you." From a woman's point of view, affection is the essential cement of her relationship with a man. Without it, a woman probably feels alienated from her mate. With it she becomes tightly bonded to him while he adds units to his Love Bank account. BUT SHE KNOWS I'M NOT THE AFFECTIONATE TYPE Men must get through their heads this vital idea: WOMEN FIND AFFECTION IMPORTANT IN ITS OWN RIGHT. They love the feeling that accompanies both the bestowal and reception of affection, but IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX. Most of the affection they give and receive is not intended to be sexual. You might better compare it to the emotions they exchange with their children or pets. All of this confuses the typical male. He sees showing affection as part of sexual foreplay, and he is normally aroused in a flash. In other cases, men simply want to skip the affection business; they are aroused already. Lets look in on a hypothetical couple we'll call Brenda and Bruce. They have been having tension lately because Brenda hasn't responded to Bruce's requests for sex. As our scene opens, she senses Bruce has that look in his eye again, and she tries to head him off at the pass: "Bruce, let's just relax for a few minutes. Then maybe you can hold my hand, and we can hug. I'm not ready for sex just like that. I need a little affection first." Bruce bristles with a type of macho impatience and says, "You've known me for years. I'm not the affectionate type, and I'm not going to start now!" Does this sound incredible or far fetched? I hear versions of it regularly in my office. That Bruce fails to see the irony in wanting sex but refusing to give his wife affection would seem amusing if it weren't so pathetic. A man who growls, "I'm not the affectionate type," while reaching for his wife's body to satisfy his desires for sex, is like a salesman who tries to close a sale by saying, "I'm not the friendly type-- Sign here you turkey. I've got another appointment waiting." Although they shouldn't have a hard time understanding this simple logic, men lose track of Harley's First Law of Marriage: /----------------------------------------\ | When it comes to sex and affection, | | you can't have one without the other! | \----------------------------------------/ ANY MAN CAN LEARN TO BE AFFECTIONATE I believe almost any husband can be taught to be more affectionate. His best teacher is his wife, if she can: 1. Put aside her pride. It will do little good to sit and pout, "If he really loved me, He'd know I need lots of affection." 2. Be patient. Remember that the typical male does not gave a strong need for affection. Sex, yes; affection, no. He needs to become aware of his wife's vital need for affection. Affection is so important for women that they become confused when their husbands don't respond in kind. For example, a wife may call her husband at work, just to talk. She would love to receive such a call and is sure he feels the same. She often feels disappointed when he cuts it short because, "I've got all this stuff to finish by five o'clock." It doesn't mean the husband doesn't love her; he simply has different priorities because of a different set of basic needs. When I go on a trip, I often find little notes Joyce has packed among my clothes. she is telling me she loves me, of course, but the notes send another message as well. Joyce would like to get the same little notes from me, and I have tried to leave such notes behind -- on her pillow, for example -- when I go out of town. My needs for protection, approval and care are not the same as hers, nor are they met in similar ways. I've had to discover these differences and act accordingly. For example, when we stroll through a shopping center, it is important to her that we hold hands, something that would not occur to me naturally or automatically. She has encouraged me to take her hand, and I'm glad to do so, because I know she enjoys that and it says something she wants to hear. When I try to explain this kind of hand holding to some husbands in my counseling office, they may question my manhood a bit. Isn't my wife "leading me by the nose" so to speak? I reply that in my opinion nothing could be further from the truth. If holding Joyce's hand in a shopping center makes her feel loved and cherished, I would be a fool to refuse to do it because I thought not doing it would make me look "macho." I appreciate her coaching on how to show affection. I promised to care for her when I married her, and I meant every word of it. If she explains how I can best give her the care she wants, I'm happy to learn, because I want her happiness. Almost all men need some instruction in how to become more affectionate. The men who are good at it learned how to do it from good coaches -- perhaps a former girlfriend. So, unless a wife wants to pay a counselor to do it later in her marriage, early on she will understand she is the proper teacher for her husband when it comes to teaching him how to be affectionate, and she will take appropriate action. Women find it hard to do this, because they want such behavior from their husbands to at least appear spontaneous. But any new behavior is not spontaneous until it is well learned. Remember the two prerequisites already mentioned: Put aside your pride and be patient. First, help your husband feel good about displaying affection. Whatever you do, never nag or hang on him or try to force some affection out of him. This kind of negative reinforcement will only make him more cold and distant. Instead create situations that lend themselves to positive reinforcement. Rather than waiting for him to slip up behind you to do his customary caressing that usually ends with your telling him, "Not now, I'm trying to make dinner," it might be better to take the direct approach. One simple scenario, played out in the privacy of a living room could go like this: PEGGY: (after turning down the television): "I'm interrupting this program to ask you an important question. Do you love me?" PETE: (a bit puzzled and anxious to get his newscast back): "Of course, you know I do." PEGGY: "Then give me a little hug -- just a little one so I know you care about me." (She slips into Pete's arms, gets her hug, and slips out again.) As she turns the TV back up she says: "Thanks, I needed that." Another approach to affection lessons can be make in the semi- privacy of the family car: ALICE: (sliding over on the seat): "Remember when we were dating and you used to drive everywhere with one hand?" AL: "Yup, it's a wonder I didn't get a ticket or in an accident." ALICE: (snuggling close and putting her head on his shoulder): "Could you see if you haven't lost your touch? If we get stopped, I'll explain everything to the policeman." There are other approaches, of course. Every wife needs to develop one that will work for her. It could be something as simple as: * Slipping your hand into his as you walk into church. * Mentioning how cool the movie theater's air conditioning is as you gently tug to get his arm around you. Follow this cardinal rule when coaching your husband in the fine art of affection: Keep it casual. Listen and watch carefully. If he communicates any feelings of discomfort-- verbal or nonverbal -- just back off and try again later. Remember to build your strategy on positive reinforcement, and aim at helping your husband develop a habit of displaying the kind of affection that doesn't always have to lead automatically to sex. SEX BEGINS WITH AFFECTION Over the years, I have seen nothing more devastating to a marriage than an affair, because it destroys the one-flesh bond of a husband and wife. Sadly enough, most affairs start because of a lack of affection (for the wife) and lack of sex (for the husband). It is quite a vicious circle. She doesn't get enough affection, so she shuts him off sexually. He doesn't get enough sex, so the last thing he feels like being is affectionate. I constantly deal with couples caught on this kind of merry-go- round, but it is anything but merry. I STRIVE TO GET THEM TO STOP THE MERRY-GO-ROUND, GET OFF, AND START BUILDING A RELATIONSHIP ON MUTUAL CARING, NOT MUTUAL NEEDING. Some husbands don't feel too happy at first when I explain that affection is the ENVIRONMENT of the marriage, and sex is an EVENT. But even the most sex-hungry husband will agree that you can't have sex ALL the time. You should, however, have affection all the time, because it forms the canopy that lovingly covers a marriage and provides shelter for the lover's couch. I work diligently to get such a husband to see that he must shower his wife with affection, but without sex. I explain that sex can come naturally enough and often, IF THERE IS ENOUGH AFFECTION. I have a simple plan. The husband sets as his goal making affection his ordinary way of relating continuously to his wife. He doesn't just turn on affection now and then in order to get some sex. Whenever he and his wife come together, a big hug and a kiss should be routine. In fact, almost every interaction between a husband and wife should include affectionate words and gestures. Am I saying they have to constantly hug, kiss and whisper sweet nothings? Not at all, but I do believe every marriage should have an atmosphere that says, "I like you, I'm fond of you, I really do love you, and I know you love me." Women need affection regularly and often, at least several times a day. A hug in the morning before getting out of bed, a kiss good-bye as he leaves for work, a call during the day, a card now and again in the mail, a big hug and kiss upon arriving home, seating her at the dinner table, holding hands in front of the television set -- all these create the environment of affection. Sex, on the other hand, is an event, and in and of itself, a special occasion. There should be a time and a place for it. In that setting, affection comes into play as a part of sexual intercourse. At this point many men become confused. If I want him to save sex for special occasions, what does a husband do with his natural feelings of arousal, which can be triggered simply by looking at his wife in just about any setting? When counseling husbands on this, I teach them how to discipline their thinking and reorient their behavior so they no longer make a direct connection between affection and sex. Some men don't find it easy. They want to know if they have to go back to the "just take a cold shower" routine they got when they were courting their wives. I reply that they need not take the cold showers, but it wouldn't hurt to remember how they acted toward their wives when they dated. They showed plenty of affection and attention then. The usual routine included dinner and perhaps a show or some other form of entertainment. Throughout the evening the young man treated the young lady with respect and tenderness. On the way home they often stopped to park and admire a lovely view. He slipped his arm around her and both of them seemed to enjoy the physical contact that followed. A lot of husbands do remember the passionate encounters of their courting day and want to know, "Why doesn't she get turned on the way she used to, now that we're married?" I patiently explain that she isn't getting turned on NOW because he isn't treating her as he did THEN. Does he think getting married suddenly eliminates the woman's need for affection? A man should work as carefully and patiently at showing affection in his marriage as he did when he and his wife dated. This sounds simplistic to some men; they think I am chiding them for not "being romantic enough." Don't I know that the romantic stuff is impractical and unnecessary when you're married? I respond that I know no such thing. In fact, I suggest they have put things in total reverse and could be asking for real trouble. Wives treated with little or no romance are ripe for an affair. Why? In most cases, in order for a woman to willingly have sex with a man, she needs to feel one with him in spirit. A couple achieves this one-spirit unity through the exchange of affection and the passage of time. A woman's need for one- spirit unity helps us understand how affairs develop. Only after a woman has received affection for a time will she become one with a man physically, but affection MUST come before sex. In the typical affair, a woman has sex with a man after he has demonstrated his love for her by showering her with affection. Because her lover has expressed such care for her, the physical union is usually characterized by a degree of ecstasy otherwise unknown to the woman in her marriage. All this misleadingly makes affairs sound like forbidden fruit and far more exciting than marriage could ever be. In truth, any marriage can have the sizzle of an affair, if it has that strong one-spirit bond. Husbands will have little trouble interesting their wives in sex if they have laid the proper groundwork with plenty of affection. When you face such a troubled marriage, look for the lack of groundwork. Without the environment of affection, the sexual event is not predictably pleasant for the woman. All too often, she reluctantly agrees to have sex with her husband, even though she feels she won't have that great a time. In an affair, however, the conditions that guarantee a good time -- the bonding that comes with affection and caring -- are met. Her lover has taken time to create the right environment. Consequently, she feels sexually aroused just at the thought of him. In most couples I see during counseling, I try to help the husband to see that for his wife, affection has meaning far beyond anything he can imagine. A woman experiences immeasurable pleasure from the sensations she receives through affection. Although these sensations are not the same ones she enjoys during sexual arousal and intercourse, they form a vital part of the relationship, because without them she usually cannot get the most from a sexual experience. Many husbands have this all backwards. Because they can become aroused without giving it a thought, they think women can too. Most women give sex quite a bit of thought and usually give themselves permission to become sexually aroused. Customarily they make a deliberate, conscious decision. When counseling wives in troubled marriages, I usually have little difficulty talking them into having more sex with their husbands. For a woman, having sex is a decision, more mental than physical. Husbands who remain unaware of this basic difference in women often feel troubled when their wives suddenly become sexually responsive to them as a result of talking to me. They suspect that I must use some charm or technique which they lack. They often ask me, "What did you tell her?" Just as women prefer that their husbands' affection be spontaneous and not learned behavior, so men would like to think of their wives' sexual response to them as being spontaneous. Understand that meeting each other's needs is seldom a spontaneous, "natural" process. You need to learn a new behavior. I must add, however, that I find it much easier to "talk a woman into having sex with her husband" if he at least makes some kind of effort to be affectionate. Women have a choice when it comes to sex, but when offered affection they have little resistance, because it is perhaps their deepest emotional need. In describing their need for affection, I realize I've confronted men quite strongly about learning to become affectionate, and that may seem rather one-sided. But all I've said here will prove of little value if a wife fails to understand that her husband has an equally deep need for sex. To the typical man, sex is like air or water. He doesn't have any "options." If a wife fails to understand the power of the male sex appetite, she will wind up with a husband who is tense or frustrated at best. At worst, he may start looking for somebody else and, tragically enough, find that someone all too easily. All this need not occur if men learn to be more affectionate and wives respond with more eagerness to make love. As Harley's first law says: WHEN IT COMES TO SEX AND AFFECTION, YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER. QUESTIONS FOR HIM: 1. On a scale of one to 10, with 10 being "very affectionate," how affectionate am I toward my wife? How would she rate me? 2. Is affection the environment for our entire marriage? 3. In the past, have I tended to equate affection with getting sexually aroused? Why hasn't this worked? 4. In what specific ways do I show my wife affection? 5. Would I be willing to have her coach me in how to show her more affection in the ways she really likes it? QUESTIONS FOR HER: 1. Is affection as important to me as this booklet claims? 2. If I'm not getting enough affection from my husband, and I willing to put aside my pride and patiently coach him? 3. Would I find it easier to make love if I felt he were truly interested in me and affectionate toward me? CONSIDER TOGETHER: 1. Do we need to talk about affection? If so, what exactly do we need to share? 2. Is there enough affection in our marriage? What examples can we give? 3. How can we have "affection practice?" What is comfortable for both of us? _____________________________________________________________ Dr. Harley has over 20 years of experience as a marriage counselor. He is a licensed clinical psychologist and director of a network of mental health clinics and chemical dependency programs in Minnesota. The above material is excerpted from Dr. Harley's book HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS (c)1986 by William F. Harley Jr., and was used with permission of Fleming H. Revell Company. _____________________________________________________________ More Booklets from FOCUS ON THE FAMILY: The following booklets are also available from Focus on the Family for a suggested donation of $.35 [Yes folks, a big 35 cents!] per booklet. Write out a list of which ones you want, and enclose the list with your return address and a check or money order in an envelope addressed to: Focus on the Family Pomona, CA 91799 Booklets for which no author is indicated are by Dr. James Dobson. 1. Prepare for adolescence 2. Fatigue and the homemaker 3. Stories for the children's hour -Dr. Kenneth Taylor 4. Busy husbands, lonely wives 6. Self-Esteem for your child 7. Understanding your child's personality 11. Questions parents ask about discipline 13. Materialism: enemy of the family 14. Overprotection: the error of dedicated parents 16. The plan of salvation 17. The impact of TV on young lives 18. Abortion: a moral outrage 19. Overcoming the marriage blues 22. The scourge of sibling rivalry 24. A checklist for spiritual training 25. A fresh look at husbands and wives 26. Questions parents ask about self-esteem 29. Low self-esteem in adults 31. The heavens declare God's glory 34. Music in the home 35. Teaching children to be kind 36. Mother's employment: Implications for the family 37. A new look at masculinity and femininity 39. Dr. Dobson talks about families 40. Advice to pre-teenagers about self-confidence 41. Human emotions: friends or enemies 43. Setting your adolescent free 44. My father and a dog named Benji 45. The strong-willed adolescent 46. Don't nag your teenager 47. The hyperactive child 49. Surviving the crises of life - Virginia Watts 50. The unproclaimed priests of public education - Timothy Crater 52. Values in the home 53. Hormone imbalance in mid-life 54. Discipline from 4 to 12 55. Making sense of wills, trusts, and estate planning - Lloyd Copenbarger 56. Motherhood: it helps if you smile 57. Thirty ideas for husbands and fathers 58. A guide to family budgeting - Larry Burkett 59. Launching the young adult 60. The straight life 61. How to preserve your marriage 62. Eating disorders: an epidemic of self-induced starvation 63. Developing your child's devotional life - Mary White 64. Sex and communication in marriage - Dr. Kevin Leman 65. The miracle parenting tools 66. Treating your child's allergies - Doris Rapp, MD 67. A new approach to planning family vacations - Tim Hansel 68. A Woman of influence: How to pray for your children - Jean Flemming 69. The loving leader: A man's role at home - Dean Merrill 70. Help for the alcoholic and his family - Sharon Wegscheider 71. Preparing for the arrival of a newborn - William Sears, MD 72. Creative ideas for grandparents - Norman Bowman et al 73. Hope for the hurting parent - Margie Lewis 74. Divorce: coping with the pain - Andre Bustanoby 75. A christmas sampler from the Dobson's 76. The balanced life - Key to managing stress - Jan Markell 77. Working at home: ways to supplement family income - Jay Levinson 78. Your child's physical fitness - Martin Lorin MD 79. The power of encouragement - Jeanne Doering 80. Pets and your family - Frances Chrystie 81. Restoring romance to your marriage - Ed Wheat, MD 82. Safety Tips for the Home - Bryson Kalt et al 83. The read-aloud guide - Jim Trelease 84. Lets make a memory - Gloria Gather & Shirley Dobson 85. Helping the hurried child - David Elkind PhD 86. Coping with frustration 88. Ministering to the aged - David Oliver PhD 91. A guide to creative hospitality - Marlene DeFever 92. Advice to parents of preschoolers - Dr. Paul Meier 93. Creative mothering - Jean Fleming 94. The approachable father - Gordon McDonald 95. You are great in God's eyes - Anthony Campolo 100. Traveling with young children - John Taylor 101. A family guide to outdoor safety - David Richey 96. A woman's guide to reaching goals - Mary Crowley 97. A primer on home schooling - Dr. Raymond & Dorothy Moore 98. Preparing your children for school - Dr. Cliff Schimmels 99. Widowhood: are you prepared? - John Watts 102. Making the most of your time - Edward Dayton 103. Resolving conflict - Josh McDowell 104. A parent's guide to storytelling - Ethel Barrett 105. Christmas is for kids - Alice Lawhead 106. You can make a difference (US) - Richard Cizek 121. You can make a difference (Canada) - Richard Cizek 107. Discover a new beginning - Ted Engstrom 108. Advice to newlyweds - H. Norman Wright 109. Tough Love for singles 113. Shape up and feel great - Marie Chapain 114. The church and the family 115. The value of motherhood - Brenda Hunter 116. Making lifelong friends - Ted Engstrom 117. The decision of life 118. Taking time out to be dad - Wilson Grant MD 119. Help for the pregnant teen - Linda Roggow & Carolyn Owens 120. Coping with anger 122. Advice to single parents - Virginia Smith 123. Questions parents ask about school and education 124. What Works 125. Eating Right: a guide to family nutrition - Dr. C. Kuntzleman 126. Interpreting God's will 127. Why wait for marriage? - Tim Stafford 128. Christmas -- a time for family - Alice Lawhead 129. Coping with depression 130. Selecting a marriage partner - Dr. Neil Warren 131. Successful stepparenting - Dave & Bonnie Juroe 134. Getting the Job: A guide for employment seekers - R. Laughlin 135. Queen of hearts: the role of today's mom - Jill Briscoe 136. A guide to adoption - Douglas Donnely 137. Questions women ask about middle age, menopause and maturity - Joe MIlhaney, MD 138. What every man should know about fatherhood - W. M. Hardenbrook 140. What the bible says: Ten reasons why you should get involved in the fight against pornography - Dr. Jerry Kirk 141. The power of the picture: how pornography harms - Dr. Jerry Kirk 142. Hard core already illegal: the case against hard core pornography in America - Dr. Jerry Kirk 143. A winnable war: How to fight pornography in your community - Dr. Jerry Kirk 145. Living with an unsaved spouse - William Deal 146. Help for the postabortal woman - Teri Reisser, MD 147. Responding to a woman with a crisis pregnancy - Teri Reisser, MD 148. Crisis pregnancy centers: how you and your church can help - Pamela Pearson Wong 149. Cultivating Affection in your Marriage - Willard Harley Jr., PhD.